04th August 2000 AD

It seems I dislike other people touching me, it makes me cringe... I think its something to do with my blood temperature; everyone else has a slightly different temp than me so maybe its why I wear a sweater all the time? Well, I wear a sweater, pretty much all the time, even though I'm not wearing one now, hmm, oh well. Maybe I think they are less likely to touch my skin if my arms aren't showing? Maybe I can't let people get emotionally close so I don't let them get physically close either? Maybe... Maybe I'm just a freak who thinks human touch is bad? I like my cat... soft fur.. purring, loyal, loving? Maybe she only likes me because I feed her? Well, heck she likes me so that's the only important thing... Hmm, I guess I'm not much of a people person... I have a closed circle of friends... That rarely breaks to allow other people in... I mean, it breaks, but I'm not normally the person that breaks it.. It'd be someone else and then I'd either have to like the person and try to be friends, or there's nothing. Damn the popular people that think new people are a good thing? Well, I guess they are a good thing, new friends can be good, but recently there's been a few girls in the circle, which is just un-normal for me... Why do I hate human touch? I don't know. It feels so weird... Kind of like "Eww, get off of me before I scream"... I personally think I'm fat, I'm about one third heavier than people think I am... You see, I asked a friend once how heavy he thought I was... Needless to say, he got it wrong.. nearly 33% wrong... He guess 10 stone, which is about 60 kg... Which is 130 lbs... I did weigh (about two months ago) close to 14 stone... Which makes me feel sick. That is too heavy. Imagine all the fat cells that have to constantly travel around my body, or maybe just stuck in one certain place of my veins? Blood tries to pass through smoothly, but instead it flows un-smoothly through certain areas? Maybe my arms, which could be why I feel weird when touched? Obviously that's exaggerated, but still... I have some problems with my weight... I like sit and ponder in-front of my mIRC client wandering if I should go get some food to try and make my stomach feel slightly less weird/empty/ill, then I get disconnected, and I think to myself, well that's a sign that I should then... But when I got up and walk into the kitchen, avoiding my parents eye-contact on the way through the other room, I decide almost the moment I open the fridge.. No. No, a drink will do... I've lost some, but not much weight recently, so I want it to stay that way.... I like the new slender me! Okay, I'm not new nor slender... I look exactly the same as the 10 stone person my friend thought I was... but atleast myself, I know... Maybe I'm just insane, maybe I just haven't been touched by the right people, maybe everyone else in the world needs to change their blood temperature?! Actually, once to defend myself when someone called me insane, I quickly replied "I'm not sane!"... of-course I meant I'm not insane, but according to my reflexes, maybe I am insane? I mean, I know there wont be many other people that think like this... If there was, people holding hands would probably throw up... It seems likely to me, that I could be so uncomfortable with my self-image/body that as a defence system I dislike human touch? A cat doesn't comprehend fat/ugly/skinny/smart/dumb, only that you feed it... I have a black cat... I shy away from other humans, and have magic powers, I must be a witch! Actually, I don't have magical powers, but when I was younger I thought I did, I mean, just by squinting my eyes I could make the sun turn into funny shapes! With my mind I could make the sun burst flames of light... Geeze, I used to be a young child that was 60% deaf, fairly dumb, and thought I could control the sun with my magical powers? Is it any wonder I think I'm different? Maybe I need to find someone not so different from me? Maybe I will, maybe I wont... Who knows what the future will bring... But for now I'll just have to keep all those freaks with off-temp blood out of my personal space? Shoo! Be gone evil demons! I should just be grateful for the select group of friends that I have that don't make me react as badly as I do when touched by old people, or my parents... Hey, you know who you are, thanks... Nooo! Don't hug me!

Made By Flik!